Thursday, August 15, 2013

Post from the Past: "Wonderfully Made" or "How I learned about sex"

This was originally posted at my site Buggering Crap Monkies on May19, 2009. It was mentioned in Five Star Friday Edition 56. It is still one of my favourites.


In my house, we had a book. In this book was the secret to life. It was written in 1967. I am not sure why it was in my house because none of us kids needed it until 1982 or so. This means, of course, my mother learned about sex in her late teens. From this book. It is a wonder we were ever born.

Here it is. The inside page of our book. Look at how happy they are! All dressed in their finest casual clothes to learn about life and growing up. Look at how progressive they are! She is carrying her own books. And she's showing ankle!

The first chapter of the book describes the life of the average boy and girl. See the illustration below. Boys play with cars. Girls learn to sew. See how happy they are?

"Growing as boys and girls". 

Next we learn where babies come from. Did you know? Babies grow in little orbs that float. And they smile. The whole time!!

Mom and Dad with floating space baby.

But how does the baby get into the floating orb? A baby is created when a loving husband and wife decide to forgo the twin beds for a night of snuggling and other things you do not need to know anything about.

Men = snakes. Women = sunspots.

Now we will learn about the productive system.

Women make babies. This is because they have ovaries. There is nothing else about the woman's reproductive system that will be of any interest for you. Cli- what?

Don't worry about it. It's supposed to be a mystery.

The man's reproductive system is very complex and important. Notice how many things we have names for! Do not take notice of the size. Size is NOT important.

Very, very important thing to understand.

This is how babies grow.

Babies grow in toilet seats. They always look like babies. ALWAYS.

Don't worry, ladies. It doesn't hurt a bit. 
Men, go grab a cigar and pace. You don't need to be here for this!

As soon as the baby is born, the mother should be fully and neatly groomed. She can ask for assistance from other females, but this is strictly her responsibility. The husband might assist in putting the dishes on the table, but this is only in times of desperation.

Nipple. Nipple!!! LOOK AWAY!!!!!!!

Children grow up so quickly. Women will grow up wearing dresses and having cute hair. They will eventually wear high heels - but only when they are adults. Breasts will also grow, but not so much as you will notice them. A woman's waist should always remain the same size. So should her feet.

Boys will grow into Star Trek captains who play football.

And finally, "Preparing for the Future". Men, put on your suits and get out into the world to earn some money!! Women, get those aprons pressed! You have some work to do!!

I can't wait until my children ask where babies come from.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my funny! I can totally see Betty showing Sally this book on Mad Men.


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