Tuesday, August 20, 2013

I MayB a domestic goddess

I have never claimed to be a good house keeper. In fact, I acknowledge I suck at it. I firmly believe the saying "Mental illness is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results" applies to dusting.

That said, I've thought I improved my level of cleanliness in the last 4 years. I went from living in a way that could only be described as "hoarder chic" to a constantly tidy home. I blame my husband and his hatred of chaos and water spots for that.  Before I moved in, The Guy's house looked like a show home - neat, uncluttered, and spotless.  That was not me.  I used to be comfortable in mess and chaos. Now I cannot keep myself from tidying when I'm a guest in someone's home. Don't worry, when I do it I'm not judging you, I'm just dealing with my OCD issues.

*rocking back and forth muttering about clutter*

I thought I was a cleaner and better person. Sure, I wasn't super Mr. Clean lady but my house was relatively tidy. (By this I mean compared to all my relatives.)  I picked up after myself, I dusted once a week, I cleaned toilets!

I was proven horribly disgustingly wrong.

The day we cleaned out of our house was the day I realized I haven't changed a whole lot.  Even worse, we had a friend who is a supreme neat freak helping us.  Moving the bed frame revealed 4 years of dirt and dust bunnies.  The fridge had a congealed pool of UFG (Unidentified Foreign Grossness) which took our friend almost an hour to scrub out. The lazy-Susan had about 3 loaves of bread crumbs settled at the bottom.  And the stove... oh, the stove.

Our friend mentioned the oven was "self-cleaning" and how happy she was for that because of the level of grime. It was not until she mentioned how hot it got during the cleaning cycle that I realized I had no idea what she was talking about.  I had always cleaned the oven old school style -- spray foamy stuff, let it sit, wipe it out.  Isn't that self-cleaning? Isn't that why I only did it twice in the 4 years we lived there?

Um, no.  Apparently, the entire world knows that a self-cleaning oven is one you hit a button, it locks up tight, heats up to the temperature on the surface of Mars, and burns out anything and everything stuck to it. When I mentioned I had never heard of this, everyone present looked at me like I'd said I didn't know how to use toilet paper.

The friend patiently walked me through the steps of self-cleaning.  It was like discovering a whole new world.  She smiled indulgently as I watched the lock engage and the heat start to climb.  But I had to admit, I felt I had been robbed of this knowledge in the past.  How long had I suffered cleaning stoves when I didn't have to?  Where was I when these things came into existence?

Honestly? I was likely ordering take out.


  1. Seriously? You scrubbed a "self-cleaning oven"? Oh, MayB.

    In the interest of helping you out, I suggest the following recipe:

    1. You are a mean, mean woman. Mind you, I have burned water before...

  2. Oh, Honey, get a cleaning lady to come in every two weeks for four hours. Best money you will ever spend.

  3. Ha! I've never used the self-cleaning function on my oven. Nor have I ever scrubbed one. (But don't worry, I know how to use toilet paper.)

    1. That is good, Nadine. I worried about the toilet paper. ;)

      Now I'm worried about your oven!

  4. Haha! I have never used the self cleaning function either! I'm always afraid that something will go wrong. I'm a neat freak, but I'm also lazy so I just clean enough to get by. I desperately need to do a cleaning overhaul in my home.

    1. It's making me really paranoid now, but I'm still too lazy to do it well. Sigh.

  5. Oh, I hear you. I like the idea of being neat... I just don't like all of the effort you have to put into it.

    And while I do know what a self-cleaning oven can do - I also know that if you don't clean it for a long time and then suddenly challenge it to clean itself, it won't always turn out very well.

    Our white oven has a big brown smudge across the control panel because the burning crap inside made smoke, and that smoke stained the plastic.

    When I wrote the manufactuer and complained, they basically told me that I was a terrible housewife (in different words, of course), and that yes, too much build-up in the oven will result in smoke, staning and a scarlet "S" on your chest. For "slob".

    So yeah.... I'm no fan of self-cleaning ovens. If it seems too good to be true...


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