Self-care is not self-indulgence. Or, at least, not always.

Fall is a difficult time for a lot of us with mental health issues.  Of course, I don't have stats to back that up, but anecdotally, a lot of my friends have said the same thing. We struggle with the changing of the seasons.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love fall.

I can finally wear pants, cardigans, heavy boots, and cute scarves. I'm not inundated with boob sweat or swass. Also, everything is flavoured in pumpkin, and that's just exciting.

I love the cozy nights by the fire place and the crisp breezes and the colours of the leaves. What I don't like is the crippling depression and dread that sometimes goes with it.

So, it was fitting that on October 10th, the day set aside to discuss World Mental Health, I couldn't get out of bed.

It is no secret I have depression and anxiety issues.  I've joked about them time and time again.

I have written seriously about them too.

Depression, pain, and the lies they tell
When I jumped on the meditation bandwagon

With that in mind, I've been thinking a lot about self-care.

source

Self-care has recently become a bit of a catchphrase that has lost all meaning.  (Like saying "tartlet" too many times! source)

It seems to me that now it is all lithe blond girls on Instagram who take pictures of themselves with large glasses of wine and a hashtag of #lol #blessed #selfcare!

And, while I'm sure that is also true, that's not always helpful for most of us.

What is self-care?

Self-care may better be described as emotional health care.

It is taking care of one's self so as to be the healthiest, best version of you.  It's doing the things to make that happen and to be gentle with yourself when those things aren't an option.

The trouble we come across, as a society, is that we seem to have gotten lost in the line between being gentle with ourselves and giving in to our every whim in a guise of "self-care".

Some days, me staying in bed all day is the only thing I can do. In order to take care of what I need to that day, I can stay there and not feel guilty or lazy.  I just do it and know that tomorrow will be a different day.

The problem is when I'm on day 3 of staying in bed all day.

That is not self-care.  That is depression taking over.

At that point, self-care is bribing myself with pie if I get out of bed and take a shower.

It's all about balance.

But again, if I only eat pie for breakfast every day and then get myself that extra-large latte and treat myself to ice cream for lunch - for a week - that isn't self-care. That is over-indulgence and emotional eating.

Sometimes, self-care is doing things we don't want to do, but that are good for us.

We have to be the "parents" of our bodies and our health - both physical and mental.

Just like with real parents, we need boundaries, we need rules, but we also need to shuck those rules sometimes and go to the zoo.

Be good to yourselves.

Trapped in Ukraine (a mini story)

I am in the process of writing the story of our time in Ukraine and Dad's illness.  It is taking me some time to process, so I thought I would publish this in the meantime.

***************

The first few hours in Ukraine did not go very well.

We needed to freshen up after our flights before we made it to see Dad.  It had been 36 hours in the same clothes and we all needed a moment.  We went to the hostel where Dad's wife and daughter-in-law, Leina, were staying.  I had to wash my face and hands while my sister was showering, so I snuck in to the bathroom behind her and closed the door behind me.

It stuck.

Solidly.

True to form, we had been in Ukraine for less than 2 hours and some how I had trapped us in the bathroom of a hostel.

We tried to pry the door open.  We pulled, we banged, we cursed.  We got a hold of our sister-in-law and tried to communicate that we were stuck.

However, she does not speak English and we do not speak Russian or Ukrainian.

We had no phones for translations or help.

We had no way out.

I was sure I had been able to communicate with our SiL and she was going to get help.  I was content to wait while my sister got more and more agitated.  She attempted to climb the 3/4 wall to no avail.

Finally, our SiL realized we were not just taking an inordinate amount of time to get dressed and came to rescue us.

With a kick that would make a SWAT team member proud, Leina opened the door.

Leina promptly told the story to every one we saw after that and we all laughed ourselves sick.

Welcome to Ukraine.

When I jumped on the meditation bandwagon

I am a fairly high-strung person.

I look calm and collected, but inside my head I am freaking the @#*& out.

I come by it honestly.  My mother was this kind of person too.  It was said she could put her head on one chair and her feet on another without sagging in the middle.

I resemble that remark.

My shoulders are never relaxed.  My jaw is always clenched.  My head is always aching.

Source

My mind never stops considering the options of disaster and woe that lay ahead of me.  I go over every conversation that didn't go as planned, every thing I wish I had done differently, and every thing that I might have to do or say in the coming months.

It makes sleeping rather difficult.

Actually, it also makes being awake rather difficult as I can get so ramped up that my resting heart rate is 100 on a regular basis.

When the "mindfulness" trend started many years ago, people started telling me about it.  It was presented as a perfect solution to settle my disquieted mind and really focus on the present.

Pardon me while I hurl.

Truthfully, the first few times I tried mindful meditation, it filled me with such uncontrollable rage I had to stop right then.  It didn't get better for a long time.

Then I started yoga.

Source

Everyone who knows me, knows I'm a huge yoga fan (you have to check out Yoga with Adriene, she is the greatest!).  I have taken classes in a picturesque brick room with the city bustling beneath me while I settle into the mat and am at peace for the first time in a long time.  I have taken busy active yoga with a crammed room of 50 other people while the sweat pours down my face.  I have settled into a nice mix of both in my living room while I get ready for the day.

Finally, I understood what meditation is about.  But I had to learn it while DOING something.

Once I had that, I realized I could move into exploring what meditation could do beyond the mat.

I started listening to a guided meditation on Calm.com on my iPhone.  I found I didn't hate the voice of the woman so I could sit through it without being all ragey.  This is an important first step.

Second step was working my way up from 2 to 10 and finally 25 minutes.

Just sitting and being is really hard when you're a doer and a worrier.  It feels weird.

Source

I'm not solved.  I still have anxiety filled nights of insomnia, but they are fewer than they were.  I still have rock hard shoulder and neck muscles (and not the kind that are enviable) but I have ways to work them out.

Now, I try and do yoga three times a week and I do nightly meditation to fall asleep.

I'm still awake at 4 in the morning, but I am taking deep breaths while I am.

Depression, pain, and the lies they tell.

Before I stopped writing almost two years ago, I wrote a small piece that I never published. I thought, on the second anniversary of the day my body betrayed me, I would show you where I've been.

I am absent.
I am woefully and deeply lacking. I am empty and echoing. I have nothing to offer you.
In the past, I have talked about depression but I have never delved into the cavernous emptiness that houses depression in a person's mind.  Well, not any person, I don't know your body.
Mix depression and chronic pain and you have another ball game altogether. That is where I have been for 6 months or so. That is what I have to talk about.
So here it goes.

I never finished the post. That's where I was. I didn't have it in me. All I had was pain and depression.

My life felt black and white

Two years ago, I was cocky and assumed that every dumb thing I put my body through would be okay. Sure, I had aches and pains here and there, but it always bounced back. I lifted things I shouldn't, carried too much at a time, hauled children all over the place, and did nothing to make sure my body could handle it.

Then, I got injured at work. I turned too far one way while the rest of me stayed the other way. WCB claim went in and my life for the next year was doctor's appointments, pain, and still going to work because I was stupid stubborn.

Pain controlled my life for almost 2 years.

I could not sit for more than 15 minutes, stand for more than 10, lay down for more than 45. I had to prop myself on pillows to gain any sort of relief. Ice and heat became my best friends. I went to physio and chiro each twice a week. Massage helped, but WCB will only pay for 5 sessions and I ran out of money in my health benefits within 2 months.

I couldn't lift anything over 10lbs. I couldn't even pick up my dog. Or my purse!

After 6 months, I was still in pain and not getting better. I started into tertiary physio treatments -- intensive treatments on a daily basis which included an exercise routine. 3 hours a day plus working 10 hours. No one suggested I stop working even though I wasn't getting better. Finally, in my second week, they took me off work so I could concentrate on getting better.

I got a lot stronger during this time. 9 weeks of working out 3 hours a day meant I was developing muscles I hadn't seen since I was 20. I had abs and shoulders. (Sadly, having to return to work means I got lazy and no longer have this. Boo!)

But the pain was still there. I mean, it went from an 8.5 to a 6, but it was still way higher than it was supposed to be. I finished the program with all the professionals confused about why I had pain. Not once did anyone suggest any medications stronger than ibuprofen.

I pushed for more tests to find out why I was still hurting, but apart from repeated X-rays (which they all admitted would show them nothing) I got nothing. No MRI, no CT scan, no trust that something was going on.

I was miserable.

I couldn't go out with friends for longer than an hour because I could hardly walk if we'd been sitting for any length of time. I didn't want to leave the house because I knew I would be in pain and not have any fun. I had to cart around a back pillow with me anywhere I went just so I could sit for 45 minutes even though I knew I shouldn't be.

This is where the depression came in. I started to hide from my life because the pain was always present. The more I hid, the more depressed I became. The more depressed I was, the more I hurt.

Turn, turn, turn.

Added to this we moved into our new house during this time. I couldn't help with the move because of my weight lifting limitations. We didn't have a usable bedroom for 3 months after we moved in, so we were sleeping on an air mattress. There was more stress than I knew what to do with and I made sure everyone around me felt it.

I got to a basic level of functioning. I returned to work because I could finally lift 50 lbs (the weight of a baby in a car seat) and could pull and push while crouching (trying to get a toddler ready to leave). I took a heating pad to work (thank God for my mother-in-law who suggested this life saver) and that is how I spent most of my evenings.

I moved on as best I could.

18 months later, I got an appointment with a rheumatologist to discuss my pain levels, how to control them, and what might be the cause. She was furious no one had thought to give me anti-inflammatories during the last year and a half and immediately prescribed them. She advised that, if they worked, it was likely I had a spot of arthritis in my spine that had been brought on by the injury. If they didn't, it was likely I had chronic pain that would need to be handled in another way.

They worked.

My world is in colour. I can't forget that.

I had forgotten what it was like to not be in pain. You get so used to it. Your mind tells you this is all there is and you get mired down in the weight of knowing this is your new life. You move trying to avoid more pain and, as such, insulate yourself from so many things. If you try and reach out beyond your limitations, your body suffers.

It's a horrible way to live.

Since December, I have had pain free days. Not just days, but weeks!! It was heady. The Guy noticed a change in both my behaviour and my mood. I felt great. It was like I had been given a new lease on life! I could make it through an entire set of shifts at work and not need two days to recuperate. I was on fire.

I might have gotten a little too crazy, because I immediately forgot to follow up with my chiro and massage and threw my back out two months later, but it was such a wonderful reprieve.

What it taught me is that my mind had lied to me. Yes, I have to live my life a little differently now than I did before. I have to be careful and listen to my body and acknowledge it's fragile. I still have aches and pains -- some worse, some better -- but those do not define my life.

Even in pain, there were things I could do that made it better. Yoga was a life saver for me. Pacing myself was another. I had to learn to be kind to myself and patient with what I could and could not do. I had to be thankful for things that I had and am and hold dear to me.

Because pain could come back.

But if it does, I am ready for it. It is not the boss of me.

Not any more.

Frustrations and thankfulness

You would think that finally moving into our new house would mean I was bursting at the seams with excitement and unable to control myself from showing you everything.

Yeah.

Not so much.

We are in. That is true.

Moving issues

We went without a fridge for 5 days, our dishwasher leaked all over the floor, the closets are a disaster, and neither The Guy or I have slept more than 5 hours a night since we moved in.

Montel has cried and barked for hours every time we leave the house and the soundproofing will only be effective once the entry way is finished and isn't so echoey.

I am happy to be here, but I will be happier to be settled.


Here are the things I am able to be thankful for this week.

Family

1. My brother had a health scare the last few months, but got some good news recently.
   
   He might be a butt face, but he's ours and we don't want to lose him anytime soon.
   
   

   

   We had SO MANY matching outfits

   
   
2. My father and his wife arrive in Canada in a few days. He will arrive to my house after the middle of the month. I'm hoping I have a bed for them by then.
   
   

   

   This is a perfect picture of them as a couple.
   Dad is very pleased with himself
   Tanya is one step from rolling her eyes at him.

   
   

Life improvements

3. The coffee "bar" area in the new house is awesome. It looks that much better now that we have a fridge and don't have to go to the garage for creamer.
   

   
   
   
   

   It will be better when I get a chance to decorate more, but LOOK!!!

4. I got an award from the Women's Committee at my Union for the work I've done. I was pretty impressed - even with the misspelled name!
   
   
   
   
   
   
5. I got an accidental day off today. I have no idea why I booked it. I guess God knew I would need the break by now.

The next step

This coming weekend will have me working to finish unpacking the kitchen, starting on the bathroom, working on my private contract, taking time to hang out with Lil E and Monty, and collapsing in a heap on the floor.

Some time soon, when I can laugh about it, I will start talking about the house.

I'm not there yet.

I be the dumb

In the last few months, I've been a bit distracted. Between my regular job, my contract work, my back injury and subsequent treatment, the house build, the lack of house completion, and all the other things I have going on, I cannot seem to keep a brain in my head.

Brain farts

I didn't think being so distracted was a problem. However...

I have lost my train of thought mid-sentence.

I have searched my brain wildly for a word and not found it.

I have resorted to charades on more than one occasion to get my point across.

I also cannot remember how to spell anything. That makes writing a tad difficult.

Running late

I have been late. To everything.

I'm rarely late.

These days, I'm the freaking White Rabbit.

I have been late to every appointment (of which there has been many - physio, chiro, acupuncture, and massage) as well as church, dates with friends, and bedtime.

I'm early only to yoga because I cannot remember what time the class begins.

Directionless

I keep getting lost.

That was the day I tried to go to church. The church I have been attending for 30 years. The church that is an easy drive from my house. I should have driven down 3 streets - 3 turns - 7 minutes.

Instead, I ended up on the ring road heading to the wrong end of the city.

The other day I tried to drive to an address 2 blocks from my office. 16 blocks away, I realized I had done it again.

I leave one room for another and have no idea why I'm there.

Normally, I would go back to the original room, remember, return, and complete the task.

I've done this cycle three or four times before actually getting it done.

Huh?

I don't know where all the brain power is going, but it's obviously leaking from somewhere. I'm trying to get things done, finish reports, write blog posts, spend time with The Guy, get more things done at the office, and remember to put on deodorant every day.

It's not working.

A friend assures me when we get into our house a huge weight will be lifted off my shoulders and much of my brain smarts will return. I'm not convinced, but I'm hopeful.

Wait... what was I doing here?

Gluten, gluten, gluten - Post from the Past

I originally posted this in April 2010 - in honour of Celiac Awareness month, I'm posted it again.

********************
I know, you're tired of hearing about it.  You're all like "Bron, we get that you used to be gassy and depressed, but seriously, if we have to hear about your diet one more time, we're going to force feed you pasta."  I know.  Shush, it's okay.

SUCK IT UP.  It's my site and I will talk about farts and wheat if I want to.

This week has been a bit of an eye opener for me.  Celiac disease in my own home is relatively easy.  Sure, I sometimes want to bury my face in flour and breathe deeply, but that could happen to anyone.  For the most part, I make good food for me and am a responsible Gluten-holic.  I can't have it, but I want it desperately.  I behave, but only because I know if I don't, it will hurt me.

This week, I've been at a conference.  One where I did not have time nor place to tell them I could not eat gluten.  One that has served meals of pancakes (breakfast), pasta (lunch on Thurs), pirogies (lunch on Friday -- I always thought it was spelled perogies?) and snacks of cookies and pecan pie.

I came awful close to attacking people for what was on their plates.  I talked to the wait staff and the chef has been amazing enough to make me special meals.  He's been a dream and the serving staff have been awesome.  PS, the Saskatoon Radisson rocks.  Even though their sleep beds suck, but they can't help that.

However, on Thursday night, unbeknown to me, I got some gluten in something at a local restaurant.  The one who swore that item was gluten free.  Not so much, but what can you do?

Well, what I can do is be thankful I had a room alone.

Now, today I felt a ton better and I started talking to a couple of like minded souls about our bowels.  It lead me to think about how grateful I am for this diagnosis and the things I had which I do not have any longer.  Without futher ado, I give you the list!

Bold is what I had.  Striked is what I no longer have.  After 20 ish days!!!  Get ready to have TMI!!!


Signs & Symptoms of Celiac Disease*

Alopecia  (I don't know what this means. UPDATE: It means hair loss.  Nope!)
Anemias, especially iron and folic (working on this!)
Anorexia
Autism
Autoimmune arthritis
Autoimmune connective tissue diseases
Autoimmune thyroiditis
Cerebellar ataxia
Cerebral and cerebellar atrophy
Cerebral calcifications
Chromosome aberrations
Chronic fatigue (getting better, now I just can't sleep!)
Chronic liver disease
Colitis
Constipation
Delayed puberty
Dental enamel defects (permanent damage)
Depression
Down’s syndrome
Early menopause
Febrile seizures
Gallbladder dysfunction
Gallstones
IgA deficiency
IgA nephropathy
infertility (scariest possibility)
Insulin-dependent diabetes mellitus
Intestinal Cancers
Kidney Stones
Low Calcium
Low Iron
Low Magnesium
Low Vitamin A
Low Vitamin D
Low Vitamin K
Low Zinc
Mild ataxia
Monoarthritis
Muscular hypotonia
Neurological disorders
Obesity (well, I'm "overweight" so says Wii, but I'm getting better!)
Obstructive pulmonary disease
Osteomalacia
Osteoporosis (on my way, but putting a stop to it!)
Pancreatic insufficiency
Pica
Pulmonary bleeding
Retarded motor development
Rickets
Sacroileitis
Schizophrenia
Short stature
Single generalized seizures
Spontaneous, low-impact fractures
Systemic lupus erythematosus
White-matter brain lesions


Symptoms and Conditions Associated with Gluten Sensitivity

Craving for wheat/gluten or inability to stop eating it
Obesity
Allergies, asthma
Sinus congestion, post-nasal drip
Arthritis
Joint and muscle aches
Diarrhea and/or constipation
Gas, bloating, abdominal pain
IBS, colitis, gastritis
Psoriasis, eczema or unexplained rash
Depression, anxiety or mood-swings
Hormonal imbalance
Neurological disorders
Memory loss
Unexplained Chronic Fatigue
Fibromyalgia
Increased liver enzymes
Frequent canker sores
Iron-deficiency anemia
Headaches / Migraines (near headache free for the first time in ~ 7 years!)
Hyperactivity
Osteoporosis
Dental problems
Short stature

*Info from glutendoctors.com

This is the greatest thing for me.  The pain is going away.  If I keep this up, I will not be in pain except for rare occasions rather than all the time.  It keeps me going.

It keeps me from killing small children for their chicken fingers.  And that is all that matters.

The good things in it all: Thankful Thursday

Though I have gotten out of the habit of doing this weekly, I'm still grateful for a great many things. This week has been a much better version of life.

1. We move in to our new house in 2 weeks today. After months of waiting, we are almost there! Things are starting to look like they might actually get it all done.
    

   

   Siding! should be completed this week

   
   

   

   My bathroom of beauty

   
   
2. Being on holidays means I can work on my contract report and get a good portion of it before we move to the new house.  This is especially good as I've had 3-5 months less than most consultants have to write it and it's turning out to be very complicated. 


3. My latest physio assessment said I'm well on the way to recovery - the nerves are finally responding normally! My muscles are still tight and painful, but it is progress.
   
   This is especially good news as the week before I was a sobbing mess in her office because of pain. I'm now doing numerous things of acupuncture and massage - that plus yoga and I will be back. (Pardon the pun.)


4. I compiled a list of 80s songs for my sister (at her request).  I have over 6 hours of 80s music just that I could find. I'm sure there is more because a lot of my favourites weren't on my file! Here is a snapshot just of my 80s pop/rock mix.
   
   

   

   The good thing is, this doesn't show how often I listen to it.

   
   Sigh. I'm a loser.


5. Despite all the turmoil in Ukraine (link to: Ukraine fighting back), my Dad and my StepMom Tanya are still planting things of beauty and reminding us that life... it goes on. 
   
   

   

   Tanya's spring flowers

Celiac Awareness Month: why it's my month

pic via

May is Celiac Awareness month

I couldn't be happier to tell you all about it.

I was diagnosed with Celiac's disease in March of 2010. It was shortly after my sister had been diagnosed which is what prompted me to get tested. We shared the same physical troubles, I figured it was likely we shared the same diagnoses.

I had been bothered by digestive issues most of my life. Add to that the skin rashes, headaches, joint aches, fatigue, depression, iron deficiency, and weight issues, I was looking for what I needed to change.


Imagine my relief when, instead of remaining diagnosed with numerous diseases or disorders, it was all connected to Celiac disease. My blood work came back off the charts. I went gluten free that moment.

I know that going "gluten free" has become the new fad, but part of the reason for that is finally people can be diagnosed easier. Prior to the blood test, a person had to go through a biopsy of the intestine. This was not a simple procedure and to be tested one usually had to have been hospitalized with no other explanation available.

To have a blood test to tell you there is something wrong and you aren't crazy, that is life changing.

Within 3 months, I had lost 25lbs. While some people cannot maintain their weight prior to diagnosis, my body saved the gluten it could not process as fat. Lucky me! (Although, it may have been that I couldn't eat any of my standby food - KD, burgers, etc.)

The first year of diagnosis, I ate healthier but had more difficulty eating out. Restaurants had nothing for me. I had more lettuce with "plain chicken breast" than I could count. It was good for me, but depressing.

The biggest problem was if I got someone who really didn't understand, I got really really sick.

Now that gluten free has become more well-known and a bit of a fad, it's easier to eat out. Most restaurants have an understanding and a protocol to handle things so I don't get sick.

Now I have myself on track. My stomach has never been happier. I don't have so many of the symptoms I had prior to going gluten free. My diagnosis changed my life and for the better. Now I want everyone to get tested just in case.

Seriously, I'm like a newly married person who feels the need to set up all my single friends. Except I'm trying to break up all my friends in relationships with gluten.

Okay, so it's nothing like that.

The point is: not even for all the bread in the world would I ever go back. I'm healthier and happier.

Even without donuts.


Want more information on Celiac Disease? Check out these sites!
Canadian Celiac Association http://www.celiac.ca
Celiac Central Organization - The Gluten Free diet
America Celiac Disease http://www.celiac.com
Gluten Free Living - A Basic Diet 

Well, I wanted a change

In January, I wrote about my word for the year: change. I'd had a rough fall which had been preceded by a tough couple of years. I needed something to be different and I decided it was going to be me.

Well, I asked for it.

This angel knew I was asking for it
(via)

Things at work have changed for the better for the most part.

I am loving my new assignment and really feel like I'm doing something worthwhile.  I am a little overwhelmed at times and am putting in a lot of hours, but for the most part, I think I could be good at it.  There are still a lot of things there that need to change, but I'm more positive than I have been in a long time there.

I am excited to go to work again.

The contract work is a lot tougher than I thought. I can do it, but am at times overwhelmed by the incredible amount of data I need to go through and somehow shape into a cohesive, concise, and helpful evaluation. I head back out to the community this week for two days of festivities, interviews, and more information.  It's due in June and I am going to be pulling a few all nighters.

My dad says that our family only finds inspiration in looming deadlines.  He's not wrong.

The house is getting closer and closer every day. It cannot come soon enough for me, but I am trying to be patient. Things beyond anyone's control keep cropping up and just when I think we will have a date to move in, it becomes less concrete.  I have gone from being frustrated at the delays to thinking it's the nicest house I will NEVER EVER GET TO LIVE IN.

Left: upstairs cupboards in the evening
Right; basement cupboards in the afternoon 

The basement kitchen is almost ready to go, but the upstairs counter tops are coming much later. That's what I get for upgrading. If I'd gone with laminate, it would be ready by now.

It is going to be so pretty. It's worth it all.

Or so I repeat, in a mantra, to myself.

I am still going to yoga a couple of times a week. I find it so necessary. It gives me time to centre and realign myself. I need a focused time to unfocus myself. I have a huge crush on one of my instructors and want to be best friends with another. I am still a little out of place with the Lulu lunch crowd, but I don't even care.

Contemplation
(pic taken in Havana)

I need a moment when I'm not overwhelmed by the volume of all that I have going on.

I guess that's the thing about change that I didn't think about.

Change is an action.

Change is exhausting and overwhelming and exciting. It takes over and demands your attention. Life will be different and it's making damn sure you recognize that fact. It means to make or transform and neither of those things are passive.

So, despite truly loving my leisure time, I'm finding I'm moving more often than not. I still need quiet times so I don't burn out, but I have things going on.

When I'm not totally freaking out, it's a great feeling.

Into the cage with you. Or, why my dog hates me.

My dog and I have the same back injury. I've heard of dogs becoming like their owners, but this is ridiculous.

I guess technically it's not the SAME, but it equates to the same thing. We can't do anything and we hurt all over.

Monty has an inflamed disc in his mid back just under his shoulder blades.  The vet is sure it's mostly old age, irritated by his constant running and jumping. I'm not discounting the time he jumped out of the jeep window when we were pulling up to the house.

That is the last time I drive with the window open.

Monty was prescribed anti-inflamatories and bed rest. Bed rest. No running, jumping, stairs, walks, or playing vigourously.

Mopey little puppy

Have you ever tried to put a dog on bed rest?

Yeah. It doesn't work.

We started picking Monty up to put him on the couch.  He would jump down, grab a bone, and jump back up. Put him on the bed? Same thing. If we got the bone for him first, he would jump up before we could get to him.  He would avoid our attempts to carry him and run like the wind towards the other side of whatever we were trying to put him on.

He thinks it's funny.  I only think it's funny when he does it to The Guy.

In a desperate attempt to keep him still while we are out, we had to buy a kennel. Monty was raised for a few years by my father who didn't like kennels. When he got to me, he was so terrified of them, he wouldn't go near them. We have purchased and sold two kennels in Monty's life time trying to get him to use one.

This is number three.

cage of torture and sadness
- with MY blanket so he's comfy

We bribe him with treats and he has twice almost gone in on his own when it was time.  Accidentally he went in while looking for treats that had been left behind.  I say accidentally because when he realized where he was, he panicked and got out as fast as he could.

When he is in there, he meets it with hopelessness and distain. He sits and stares at us with accusing eyes as we get ready to leave the house. He ignores the treats we give him and sighs heavily. He's a drama queen, my boy.

Upon our return, he whimpers and cries. He jumps and wags his tail so hard it makes music on the metal sides. He turns himself inside out to show us how much he appreciates us letting him out of the device that obviously tortures him while we are gone.

I can only assume, it is electrified.

Today was a week since this started. We went on our first walk (5 whole minutes) since he started showing signs he was in pain. I hope it's helping because we move into the new house in two weeks and there are A LOT of stairs there.

Monty will be happier there if we don't have to carry him.

But, we're keeping the cage.

Post from the past: Wheatless home on the prairies

This was initially posted in March of 2010. What a difference four years makes.  I have not regretted the diet and life change in the years since my diagnosis. Though, I do still miss some things now and again.

Now, of course, the rest of my family has refused to get tested so it is Ky and I alone in our wheatlessness. Ky has also taken out dairy, soy, corn, etc and consist on a diet of "broccoli and sadness". Though I should remove dairy from my diet, I am not ready for that yet.

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via

Since my sister, Ky, announced in February [2010] she was diagnosed with Celiac's disease, we knew it was a matter of time before the rest of us had to get tested.  We all have similar symptoms and have been going to doctors for years with limited success.  Now that we know it exists in our family, we can get tested.

I got home from Victoria and immediately went to the doctor to get the test underway.  One big blood test later (seriously, I don't think I had blood left when they were done) I had to wait for the results.  Since I've had numerous other health issues going on, the one week waiting period turned into three in order for all the results to come in at the same time.

Wednesday was that time.

I walked into the doctor's office, got into my paper gown (the physical was that day too, oh joy) and waited.  I've been a bit anxious about what the results of the Celiac test would be, so finally being so close to an answer was a bit nerve racking.

My lovely doctor came in, sat down, told me the results of the test and immediately took my blood pressure.  Not such a good choice it turns out.  Perhaps she should have reversed that?

I have Celiac's disease.  My levels were far and beyond the highest of the measurable scales.  The levels that were "extremely high" were left in the dust by my results.  For once, I'm an overachiever.  Yay me.

It means going on a gluten-free diet.  No wheat.  No bread.  No pasta.  No cereal.  Forever.

I've had a month to digest this (pardon the pun) but it was still kind of a kick to the junk.  I know I will adjust.  I will be forced to eat healthier and this is awesome.  However, I have to admit, I am in mourning.  It's going to be a big adjustment.  I'm going to have to learn how to cook healthier, want to cook healthier, eat healthier, want to eat healthier.  I'm going to have to stop eating a family sized box of Mini Wheats a month.

I know it will be good for me.  I will likely lose weight (Dr. figures my body can't process the gluten so it stores it -- just in cases).  I will not be as tired.  I will not be as irritable.  I will not be as gassy.  (The world rejoices at that one.  Especially Monty and The Guy.  Dutch oven gets old fast.)  I will feel better.

Really, I should be looking on the up side of this.  It will be nice not to have bi-polar intestines with the emotional stability of a pubescent teenage girl in the hysterics of unrequited love.

But I will really miss Mini Wheats.

The wonderful roller coaster that is aging

I'm not afraid of growing older. I don't know if I have ever been, but for that 3 month period before I turned 30 when I realized I'd be a grown up.

My mom used to say I'd been 42 since I was 6, so I guess my body has just been catching up with my soul. I'm okay with that.

I don't fear death, so I gather that is why I don't worry about getting closer to it. I'm not itching to get there, by any means, but I approach it with the curiosity of an anthropologist in another culture. "Oh, that's what it's like!"

My mother was afraid of getting older. She had good reason - she had watched her father spiral into Alzheimer's and become someone none of us recognized.  It's difficult to watch the person you knew die before your eyes and be replaced with a confused, angry, helpless old man. Mom dreaded becoming that -- losing herself.

I wonder, had she known she would never age beyond 55 years, would she have been able to relax? Knowing my mother? No. Relaxing wasn't in her nature.

I've now watched the life cycles of two important women in my life come to an end or near the end in two totally different times of their lives. My mother at 55 and my grandmother in her 90s. Grandma is still going relatively strong, but it's been interesting to see how she has forayed into this end of her life.

Aging isn't graceful. However, the person going into aging can be. My mother transformed at 50. She blossomed and became the woman who she had always meant to be but was hidden under a surface of insecurity and worry.

Mom and Dad circa 2000

Mom turned 50, said "Eff it!" and exploded into herself. Sure, she had sagging skin, chin hairs, and hot flashes, but what physically was occurring in her aging process was completely overshadowed by her self discovery.

I think Grandma has always been herself. Or, she has always been who she knew she needed to be.  Grandma is so much "Acts of Service" she would temper herself to be what we all needed.  That being said, her sense of humour and rebellious nature that lay just below the surface would peek its head out, say something outrageous, and pop back in like nothing was out of place.

photo by Ky

Physically, though Grandma was wee, she was mighty. Walking up and down 20 stairs to and from her apartment numerous times a day kept her strong. Even today, she can out lift, out run, and out work anyone I've ever met.  Mentally, she has slipped bit by bit into forgetfulness. (Or, as we call it - 5 second memory reset.)  Grandma is still who she ever was (unlike her husband at the end) but forgets people, places and things for brief or extended periods of time.

I don't worry that memory lost or physical deterioration will get me. Each - if they occur - will be an adventure. Sure, I might not remember the adventure, but it still will be! I'm not looking forward to wetting my pants regularly or forgetting where I live, but that's how life goes and I plan to enjoy all of it.

I figure, if I make it past 55, I'm good until I'm 90.  Ride on.

Thankful Thursday: Cuba version

I'm not back yet, but I know what I am going to be thankful for, so I will write this now and schedule it for while I'm gone.  Try not to be jealous.

1. It is not snowing in Cuba.





My beach



2. There are free drinks and no one judges my 10 am Pina Colada. It has pineapple, so it is a breakfast drink.
3. Time alone with The Guy maxin' and relaxin' by the ocean.
4. The pelicans and the guy who feeds them every morning.





Every morning, they walk up the beach following the guy who feeds them.

5. Limited risk of being glutened. WOO for no wheat in Cuba!!

I'll be home soon. 

Puppies and babies: A walk in the snow

My two favourite creatures are my dog, Monty, and my cousin's little girl, Elizabug. Despite the fact they will be living in close quarters once our house is complete (E's family plan to live in our basement apartment), she and Monty haven't spent much time together.

This weekend we decided to introduce them and take them both on a walk to see how they do.

They started out inside. E was thrilled to see a puppy in her apartment. She was fascinated with his puffy tail that moved faster and faster in her presence. Monty was thrilled that E was holding cheese. I didn't get pictures of this - I was too concerned with making sure no one bit anyone (I'm looking at you, Lil E.)

Then we went outside.

A girl and her ice block

Lil E was all cozy in her snowsuit and strapped into her favourite mode of transportation.  Her dad gave her a block of ice as she likes to be able to touch the snow around her. I looked back a few times to see her shoving her face into the snow. She was happy as could be.

Monty bounced around the snow - running ahead to sniff things and running back to check and make sure E was still following.  At one point we tried to get him to chase a flock of grouse, but there was no shovelled path, so he was having none of that.

Grouse vs dog

We walked down along the river and across the crescents towards our new house. We figured it would be a perfect time to show them the place (even though the basement is still just rocks and plumbing supplies) while there were no workers on site.

bridge in the snow

All in all, it was a good day.

Monty enjoying himself

My word for the year: Change

I could not have been happier to see 2013 finish. It was a challenging year of "learning" patience,  dealing with disappointment, and facing overwhelming difficulties. There were a lot of positive things too, but I felt completely paralyzed by the difficult things I had a hard time seeing the good.

When 2014 headed our way, I started to feel like something was coming. The first few days showed me exactly what it would be: change.  Two days in and things were already different -- and in a good way. Suddenly, the things that pressed me to the ground were feeling less heavy and more manageable.

I made a decision. This change would not be an isolated incident. It would carry over into everything. Life would be different and possible and exhilarating. 2014 would be the year where change is possible.

Changes in career:

• I've been contracted to do an agency assessment in my chosen field. I'd done a few things like this about 10 years ago and felt I wanted to branch out that way again. I'm excited and nervous and hopeful. I get to travel to 5 different communities and meet a ton of new people and I cannot wait.
• There have been two big changes in my office which will have very positive effects.  There are still many areas of concern, but this is a step in the right direction.

Changes in personal growth:

• I signed up for a writing course. It's year long and online and I could not be more excited. I'm looking forward to learning more about writing -- be it essays, reports, blog posts, fiction -- I cannot wait to get better at it all.
• My wonderful husband, The Guy, gave me a 3 month pass to a yoga studio. I've enjoyed Yoga since I tried it via the Wii, but I wanted to go further and learn more. I'm thrilled. 

Changes in home:

• Our new house will be ready in the spring. We are starting to make plans for paint colours, kitchen cupboards, lighting, etc. I'm excited to do the planning, but will be more excited to get in, get organized, and get settled.

There will be more changes. I am determined to grow and adapt and learn. And, I cannot wait.

Friday Five: Thankful things this week

In order to be more aware of the things I'm thankful for, I'm doing a weekly round up. I figure it's important to remain cognizant of the good things around me.

1. After 10 days of the flu/cold of death, I am starting to be on the mend.
2. I've made a good progress through Doctor Who. I'm well in to season 3 and I'm pretty thrilled.
3. Today gave me 2 pieces of good news on the work front. It won't fix all the problems, but it's a start.
4. My husband went to one of our favourite restaurants and got me the soup I've been craving for weeks because I've been sick and they don't deliver.
5. I finished the laundry. Some of it still isn't put away, but it's done.

Finding joy, choosing joy

When the world seems set on kicking you in the teeth, it is - at times- difficult to find the positive things surrounding you.

This year has been a compilation of things making me want to crawl under the bed and hide. There was a funding scare at my office in the spring, a ton of changes to my schedule through summer, slow development on our house in the fall, and a medical leave from work in the winter. Add that to the last two years of infertility (2011) and losing a job (2012), I am about ready for the tides to turn.

But then I stop to think about the amazing things I have experienced this year.

• My favourite little girl was born and she is SO MUCH TROUBLE.
• I had a wonderful time in Cuba and went snorkelling without panicking once!
• My husband and I celebrated our 6th year of dating and our 4th of marriage. And it's still awesome. When I tell him I love him, he says it's cuz he's wonderful and he's right! (and modest)
• I've gotten to spend time with my Grandma (94) and The Guy's Grandma (91) and they are a hoot. My Grandma learned to use email and Skype. She's very excited.
• We sold our house and started building a new one. In the meantime, we're in the cutest rental that belongs to a girl I used to babysit when I was in high school. 
• Riders won the Grey Cup and we were there for it all. 
• Monty was adorable every day.

The Guy is a good one for reminding me to look beyond the things causing me grief and look towards the things that make our lives worth it all. If it wasn't for the tougher spots, we wouldn't recognize the good. I can count him in my blessing list every day. Except for that one time he ate all the ice cream. 

I have a friend (my dear Gooblet) who daily picks a moment that makes her day the BDE -- best day ever.  She can have a day where everything in it sucks, but she will find the bright spot. Some days I think she's lying, but the point is she tries.

I want to be more like that. I want to look for the joy in my life. I want to choose joy.

Even when the day punches me in the junk, I want to be able to cuddle up with my dog and The Guy and say "This is joy."

Ardently admired: Traits of my friends

This week's task for harnessing creativity and balance in life comes from looking at people who nurture your creativity and whose personality traits you admire.  Again, this comes from the book The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron.

There is nothing more beautiful than a cheerful giver.

The tasks I chose was to make lists of people who 1) nurture my creativity, 2) encourage me, 3) possess traits I admire 4) possess traits I would like to cultivate in myself.  I'm not going to share who was on my list (they don't need swollen heads) but what I thought was interesting was the similarities in their characters.

1. Person 1: tells me the truth, reminds me I am capable, works hard to attain her goals while being completely free to be lazy, is independent (more so than she knows), and is brilliant despite being unconvinced about it
2. Person 2: is easy to be around -- non-judgemental and supportive, encourages me to do things that are good for me, is kind and silly and thoughtful
3. Person 3: is kind and helpful, positive and encouraging, is competent without being insufferable, and has a great sense of humour
4. Person 4: is gentle and kind at all costs, is wise and mindful, and never complains
5. Person 5: worked hard, was loyal and loving and fiercely protective
6. Person 6: hard working, determined, kind and gentle, giving and considerate

These are people I admire.  People whom I would be honoured to be more alike.  Hard-workers.  People who are kind and honest. People who meet all challenges with a sense of humour and who don't give up.  People who are loyal and who will help those in need.

These are the characteristics I want to have more of in my life.

Who do you admire?

Listing things I like to do - why is this so hard?

Last week, I told you about the 5 imaginary lives I wanted to have. It's all part of this book I'm reading about unblocking yourself and allowing yourself to figure out where you want to go and who you want to be.

So far, I'm writing almost every day in my "morning pages" (or at least I'm writing some) and I'm thinking about the topics of tasks that are assigned.

Today's has stumped me.

You would think it would be simple.  Write a list of 20 things you like to do and when the last time you did them was.  Easy, right?

Well... not for me.

I guess I must be pretty limited as I have very few things I can think of.  Like half of the list.  So, I will show you what I have and then I will add to them if I think of anything.  Problem is? I don't really like to DO anything.

I'm lazy and unmotivated.  But it's one of my favourite things about me!

1. read (today)
2. knit (yesterday)

3. sew (October? I made a phone case for a friend)
4. walk the dog (yesterday - he's a jerk and likes DAILY walks... like he's so important.)

5. swim (well, not swim so much as hang out in warm water) (October)
6. yoga (October? I started daily and that disappeared)
7. take pictures (good ones, not just iPhone ones on the run) (October)

8. paint (2011)
9. craft/make stuff (2012)
10. decorate (Christmas 2012)
11. updated: watch TV/ go to movies -- thanks to Renee via FB for this one! (yesterday)
12. updated: nap!! (Thanks Wynn Anne! via FB) (today!)
13. updated: write -- I remembered this one in the tub and then Wynn Anne reminded me.  DUH. (today)
14. updated: spending time with The Guy (every day!)
15. updated: lunch/coffee with friends (yesterday)
16. updated: making cookies 
17. updated: shopping! (Thanks, Zoe!) 
18. updated: tell people what to do (this is actually what Saryn meant in her comment... I know)
19. updated: play FB games -- solitaire is my favourite (yesterday)
20. updated: this should be #1: Make people laugh!!

What do you like to do? Maybe you can give me ideas.  I will update as you I think of things.