Grateful experience

In an effort to be more present, I am returning to a semi-regular grateful journal. After a year of not posting for personal and other reasons, this is just the best place I can think of to keep track of things.

Here it goes.

It had been pointed out to me that I do things in order to avoid experiencing things. I like to keep busy, but recognize it is often so I do not have to be alone in my own thoughts. This means, I often have my head in a book, my ears filled with music, my eyes filled with TV, and my hands filled with knitting -- often all at the same time -- to avoid. It's very true. When faced with a moment of just me and nothing else, I am bored and impatient for it to be over - likely for fear that, in those three minutes, my emotions may climb out of the neatly sealed box I have in my brain and come to choke the life out of me.

Today I am grateful for the foolish idea that I can still change myself or at least experience something in the moment I am there rather than believing if it didn't go on Facebook it didn't happen.

I am grateful for the chance to sit in my front entry and enjoy the warmth of the morning sun with my dog who is equally bored doing nothing for 4 seconds while I drink my coffee and contemplate the list of things I should do, but don't want to.

Light through yonder railing breaks

I am grateful for texts with my husband, especially knowing it will be 3 more days before I see him for more than the moment in the middle of the night when I wake him up climbing into bed after my shift is done.

I am thankful for my dopey dog who gave me a scare this week by collapsing on the floor only to embarrass me by running and jumping the second the vet looked at him to see if he was dying. I'm grateful he wasn't dying so I could be embarrassed by him doing that thing your car does when it makes noises right up until the moment you take it to the garage.

Dog in green

I am grateful for a counsellor that I'm never sure I'm connecting with until the moment she says something to make me reconsider my existence and realize I'm not doing as well pretending to adult as I think I am, but I might - just might - learn how to be better.

I am grateful for a chance to write again. Maybe I will explore why this last year and a bit was so painful I couldn't put words to the page. However, I am also grateful that I don't necessarily have to.

Welcome back, Bronwyn.